6-24-12
Today’s
revelation… IM NOT THE ONLY GIRL ANYMORE… I really think this has been the root
of much of my lowest moments during this new life transition… this morning as I
was sitting on my bed after a nice morning shower, which is a rare thing since
becoming mommy… I was rubbing on lotion, something I used to do every evening
after my bath… and it struck me… wow… I don’t ever do this for myself anymore…
my nails look a mess because I did paint them two weeks ago but have neglected
them since… well they look pretty trashy… and so it was as if a light bulb went
on… I have become JEALOUS… I’m not the only girl…
Now
I get up and get 3 girls ready so by the time I get to girl # 3… Me… I have Jordin
needing the agenda for the entire day and the baby saying up… momma up… pease
momma up… I look pretty ragged most days… I try to get up first and fix me up
before I do them but most days Jordin is waking me up asking to get in bed with
me, yelling from her room THE SUN IS UP… or going potty… The NEW rule is she
isn’t supposed to wake anyone else up if she is awake first… she can go potty,
wash her hands and back to bed until an adult gets her out of bed… ummm yeah were still perfecting this one!
On
the days I do get up and dressed first I feel like I am a better mommy to the
girls and now that I know why I have had some of the feelings I have had maybe
I can do a better job taking care of me so I can take care of my girls.
I
have felt like I have had post partum depression… or what I call post Adoption
depression!
Since
becoming mommy it’s been a whirlwind… starting out with Bill in Brazil when the
girls moved in… I was SO scared, never having been a mom before and not wanting
to make one mistake especially being single mommy.
We
started out pretty good with the help of a few girlfriends stopping in on the
first night. Then they went home and it was just the 3 of us… Jordin did great
she went right to sleep but Jayda… cried and cried I think she finally went to
sleep about 2am and stayed sleeping. Thus began my sleepless nights…since that
first night Jayda has maybe slept through the night a hand full of times. Bill
and I have spent countless nights some till 4 am helping her get to sleep…
finally learned she was teething and it’s OK to give her medicine for that pain
and something to chew on for those teeth!
By
the time Bill got home from Brazil I had become bitter towards God for allowing
this to happen while Bill was gone. I
continually have fears of Bill dieing and me being left alone to raise these
girls by myself. I told God that this is
not right… I didn’t want to be a single parent, it’s SO hard doing it alone… it’s
not God’s design… so why did it work out that way??? Definitely the hardest
thing I have done… things moved so fast and just meeting the girls basic needs
of food, shelter & keeping up with good hygiene, setting and keeping boundaries,
finding fun moments but quickly the joy was no longer in my heart. I was
exhausted physically & emotionally, spiritually was nonexistent.
Quickly
I drifted away from spending any time reading scripture or even praying…
Starting out I faithfully prayed for our girls and God’s plan for their life THEN…
life got crazy… every time I tried to get back to a routine for the things I
was used to having in my world that make me who I am and what fills me up… the
needs of the girls flooded out my time for those things, so I just gave up
trying anymore. Being the single parent completely overwhelmed me and was more
than I could handle… The only time I asked for help was if someone called me to
check up on us because I really had not time or thought to picking up the phone
unless it rang! One particular day I left the girls back with the foster mom
for a few hours because I was at my limit…& needed to get to an
appointment. I remember breaking down in tears that day as I picked up the
remaining belongings of the girls… I cried on her shoulder as I confessed I
couldn’t even enjoy being a mommy and I just needed Bill to be home… I haven’t
been the same since that day…
When
Bill did come home I was so happy to have us all together, FINALLY! But that
quickly didn’t meet my expectation either… he was so tired from his traveling
and so he was here but I felt as if I was still alone… a few days passed and
off Daddy went back to work. Every day was like training him on what rules and
guidelines that I had established with the girls before he came back from his
trip. It took me a while to figure out why I was so frustrated and grouchy but
that was it… Totally no fault of his but on top of all the changes that had
taken place in our lives, that was just more pressure on me because I wanted us
to be consistent in our parenting… everything we learned and advice we were
given was that consistency was the most important thing we could do to help the
girls learn and adjust to the change. I have this huge fear of doing the wrong
thing because of what it might do and affect them as adults if we don’t get it
right when they’re little…
I
knew that becoming parents at this stage in our lives would be difficult but we
knew it was right… it’s what we were supposed to be doing… it was God’s plan
and calling for our lives and the lives of these precious girls; we were chosen
to be together! There have been moments when I have thought REALLY LORD,
REALLY??? I was so content the way we were, I was a better Christian… my walk
with You was so much better before I became Mommy… I was helping others…teaching
youth camps and other ladies the Bible…& now I am so needy and the only
thing I can do is help these girls, I have nothing left to give anyone else and
sometimes nothing left for even Bill, so how am I supposed to be an example to
them of what a Christian woman looks like if all I can do is be Mommy and wife
these days… and you know what… God told me… he said that’s OK because this THIS
MOMMY, WIFE THING is what I am asking you to do in this season of your life,
and I know the change is difficult BUT I am with you… all you have to do is
take ONE step toward me ASK me in… ASK me to help…oh and stop putting so may
expectations on yourself… step back, relax and enjoy your NEW NORMAL, stop
trying so hard to figure out the next 20 years and just take one day at a time.
I
have ran back to my confirmation verse of scripture many times and asked the
Lord when will the Joyful part come??? Because it states that he will make the
barren the JOYFUL mother of children…
It’s been 8 months & 11 days now that
we have had the girls & I think the joy is coming… it is really cool to work with the girls then
watch them use the things we’re teaching them! Cute little songs or how to
dress themselves, I know… sounds so small but it’s really awesome to know that
we taught them that special thing… we are helping them become independent and
confident in who they are as individuals as we work with them on a daily basis.
Jordin will sing with me…. You get a line, I’ll get pole honey… You get a line
I’ll get a pole babe… or both girls will clap and sing with me Patti Cake Patti
Cake Bakers man… & that… brings me joy and a smile to my heart… or Jayda
will say some silly phrase that Bill and I say all the time but don’t even
realize it until she starts it… like the other night she says (after we told
her night night) “night night… NO WAY…” and keeps repeating it!!! So cute, it
was really hard not to laugh at her… Jordin will now go around at church
greeting people & shaking hands which she would NOT do until recently or we
will be out in public and she holds a door for others, those are just a few
things on the top of my head right now.
I
had to realize that taking time to pamper myself and keep myself up for me and
for my husband also make me a better mommy so I just have to find ways to get
that me time and time with my Lord, also confessing my struggles with close
friends and allowing them to pray for me has been SO very therapeutic… reminds
me of the scripture in James that actually instructs us to do that and says it
will bring healing! Must be true.
As I
have been reading through a few books that has also helped me to get my mind
and heart back on the Lord and that is what helps me… It has been my Lord, my
creator who has brought me to this place and I know that… I think the
depression is behind me now, at least for the most part. I do miss my job and interacting
with adults on a regular basis, I miss my HBF church friends and all my other
friends I used to see regularly… yea I have FaceBook, texting and calling but
there’s nothing like sitting down with a sister face to face and having real
conversations about life… I know that’s something I have to have… God created
me to be relational and I can only talk about Dora, Diego, Elmo & the
princesses so much… : ) and just like I need my peers, so do the girls… we are
finding our balance slowly… but we are finding it!
This
experience has given me a whole new compassion for single parents… because it
is SO nice to have that other parent to re-enforce what you are teaching them
all day long or to step in at 2am when you are at the end of your patience and
don’t know what else to do…someone who comes home even after working hard all
day that steps in to play with the children who are pulling on your leg while
you try and prepare dinner, then after dinner they help you clean up and get
the kids ready for bed or help with a bath night, read the bed time story… all
to give you a break or moment to breathe… so I am VERY thankful for my husband
who does all of that and more for US… we’re gonna be ok!
We found
our Independence church home at Calvary Baptist Church so that also helps
emotionally having a church home… feels good! FULL Joy is on its way… hope I
can say bye bye to my Post Adoption Depression for good…
