Breaking Down Walls

As I continue to prepare for this trip I know that I have built up walls over the years, walls to children. I had to. I love them so easily and as many have been taken from my life for various reasons it has tore my heart in two every time.
I know for God to be able to use me to Love these children with the Love of Jesus with my arms and heart wide open just like Jesus would, I have to surrender those walls to Him.
This song by Jimmie Needham resonates in my mind as I realize what has to happen. Am I ready for the HURRICANE?
Jesus prepare my heart for the walls to come down and let the children, YOUR children in!
Mat 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.


Lyrics to Hurricane :
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

CHORUS
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

(Chorus)

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

I Can Not Contain It All Inside!

I feel like this little Buck Eye and there is so much inside just waiting to EXPLODE!!


So much is happening right now I am working on a letter to condense it all (previous entry) but I have to note some things that happened yesterday.
I was posed with a question:

WHAT AM I WILLING TO SACRIFICE TO DO WHAT GOD IS CALLING ME TO DO?
As I laid in bed thinking about this question I think I have already sacrificed my desires for His in my life.
However there are two children the Lord has blessed me with along this journey and God is asking me to sacrifice them so He can bring me MORE than I ever dreamed of!!! It broke my heart to think of walking away from them and not being a constant part of their lives but through the tears my Heavenly Father reminded that when Abraham took Isaac to the alter to make that sacrifice God spared Isaac and God Himself provided a sacrifice...The Ram caught in the thicket.....
First He brought to my mind the fact that He also sacrificed His Son! Willingly....
And this morning as I journal all these thoughts I believe God Himself will provide the sacrifice, but what will it be that He asks of me to put on the Alter.!!! Because see...God provides the sacrifice but I have to put it on the Alter!!!


I search my heart as I have done many times in the past 17 years, to see what I love so much that I wouldn't lay it down if God asked me to. Possessions mean nothing to me, although I do like having stuff but it is just that...stuff...I enjoy shopping but I don't have to do it. I think these things are easy to lay down.

When I think of the title of my letter I am working on, "EXTREME SURRENDER" I know I have to lay down my flesh, sacrifice sleep, I have to be more disciplined in my diet and exercise than ever in my life. When I recall one of the defining revelations to making the decisions to move forward with the Hysterectomy in 2008 I recall the one thing that continually came to mind during that, "I need to be fit for the Masters use," not just to be healthy...all though it is important...but more important.... Romans 12:1.



I know this is a unique battle and God has been preparing me for this my whole life. I found this verse and I love it!

1Ch 12:8 And of the Gadites there separated themselves unto David into the hold to the wilderness men of might, and men of war fit for the battle, that could handle shield and buckler, whose faces were like the faces of lions, and were as swift as the roes upon the mountains;

One thing I have been saying to myself all day yesterday as everything continues to rain down on me is that, it's OK, it is so much and I don't know what to do with it all right now but it's OK. Lord don't stop speaking to me!

I say that because a few years ago God was speaking so much and I got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore so at that time I asked him to stop because I was overwhelmed. About a year ago in October I asked the Lord to re-open that door and I BEGGED Him to speak to me that way again... I knew in order to continue grow spiritually I HAD TO HEAR FROM GOD IN THAT WAY AGAIN. In March of last year God told me to PREPARE FOR RAIN. The flood gates are open and the RAIN IS POURING DOWN!

I now understand that all He brings to my heart and mind will never be able to contained on paper because just like the world can not contain all that Jesus did.
GOD IS HUGE!!!! I am asking the Lord to filter me and only allow me to put on paper what He wants the world to know about Him and His work!!!

Extreme Surrender

This phrase has captured my attention in light of all the Lord has poured over me this weekend!!!

In order to paint a complete picture of the work of my Heavenly Father I have to start this entry explaining events that began about 18 years ago!

I am not positive of the year BUT it was very shortly before Bill and I married in 1992. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and Poly Cystic Ovarian syndrome (PCOS).
I was 17 years old and over the following 17 years Bill and I fought the battle of Infertility. During this battle we have encountered the casualties of; one Ectopic Pregnancy at(pregnancy/fetus outside the fallopian tube) and one miscarriage.
The Lord has grown me and strengthened me SO much through these EXTREMELY difficult battles. He is my ROCK and I KNOW He will get me through ANYTHING!!!

That is the short version of my journey. You have to at least know what I have outlined to understand the depth of what I am about to say!

Through a series of events in the beginning of 2007 the end of our battle with Infertility would come to and end!!!
I was scheduled for a complete Hysterectomy in April of 2008! I was so relieved....the battle was over...!!!
Two months after my surgery my best friend, Amy Hayward, went on a mission trip to Peru with a group to an Orphanage to minister to their physical and spiritual needs.
I didn't really give it much thought at the time as far as how incredible it was that she was going to be spending time with ORPHANS!
When she returned and shared the events that took place while she was there, it was all too much for my heart to take! I said, " I could never go there!! My heart could not take it."

Two months ago one morning as I drove to work I started thinking about Peru.....for a while I just allowed the meditation to continue...then I said to myself..." I can't do that..."
Bill and I had been talking about how we were SERIOUS about paying off the rest of our debt in 2009 so we would not be bound to it and be FREE to do WHAT EVER the Lord would ask us to do.
Over the months I had been spending my spare time looking over our calendar for the upcoming year and comparing it to our church events to see where we could plug into what God is doing there.
I can't recall the exact timing but I think that fist occurrence of thought about Peru was around October or November... I wish I had written it down...
Off and on over the next few months Peru would come to my mind and as fast as it came I pushed it away....I just knew that IF God was calling me to go there it would not be until 2010 because WE have a plan for 2009!!!

I don't even know how to begin recalling all the events that have taken place the last two days....
OK here goes.....
Amy left for Jamaica today and all this week I kept thinking about Peru.. WHAT THE HECK!!!
(sorry if that was offensive but that is exactly what I said to myself)
I hadn't said anything to ANYONE.... about any of these instances...in retrospect I was ignoring Gods call...
I couldn't take it anymore...I decided to start asking some questions to see if PERU could fit into MY calendar...
I arrived Amy's house on Saturday evening to help her finish getting ready for Jamaica.
I couldn't contain myself anymore.....so I proceed to inquire...."Hey Homey, when is the Peru trip?" She replies, " JUNE" I thought to my self "nope that doesn't fit into MY calendar!" I still couldn't completely dismiss it...
Amy comes out of her room and I said, "Sooooo.....how much is the Peru trip?" Her reply, " I think it's around $1,600.00" and Immediately....she gets this bright glow on her smiling face and says, "ARE YOU GOING?"
Just as immediately as she asked the question I answered,"Well.... I was praying about it but I didn't think it was that much, sorry it doesn't fit into OUR budget for 2009."
I STILL COULD NOT DISMISS THIS THOUGHT...... Uhhhhgggggg....

Dinner time brought us all around the table...Jerin, Val, Robin, Amy and I....
I told them that I had not even talked to Bill about this...maybe I should tell him what has been going on in my mind and see what he says about it...I asked them all not to say anything to him until I could talk to him.

I don't even remember how or when Robin caught on to what I was talking about but she says, " I am thinking about going too!" I was like,"ARE YOU SERIOUS! NO WAY..."

Here it is Sunday...EARLY.... We are at the airport watching the Jamaica team do their thing and getting their bags checked in....
Going to see friends off on mission trips or anywhere for that matter...ALWAYS makes me want to GO..... I love to travel....and even more I love to share Jesus...

I went with Susan, one of the Team Leaders, to her car and guess what we talked about....Oh yes...MISSION TRIPS....and traveling...
Susan asked me if I had ever been on a trip and I got to share with her that I got to go on a mission to Africa in 2006!!! I asked her why she and Mike were not going on this trip?
(below:
Simply, it was not God's plan this time. Susan continued to share with me that they were going to Peru in June!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately got excited and started telling her what God was doing in my life concerning that Peru trip..... The conversation was so so sweet...I was having such a great time hanging around these people and just loving on them... My spirit had been so blessed I was full....full of the Joy of the Lord!!!!
Honestly it has been some time since my Joy has been full... and I was sucking everything up!!!!

I was running on pure adrenalin and caffeine!!!! Robin, Val and I stayed to see the team get on the plane. After that we met Bill and Jerin for breakfast in Lees Summit.
I was about to explode with excitement and the caffeine only intensified my excitement....
Earlier on the phone I commented to Bill that I was drunk on coffee...!! He told me to stop that and get drunk in the Spirit!!!!

Finally breakfast.....at some point during our meal I told Bill what I had been thinking about.... and that I needed him to make sense of it for me because I just knew it wasn't in OUR PLAN for 2009.....
Bill asked me a question!!!! I think it was something like, "Do you think it's in God's budget?"
My response was instant.... "Well....yeah...God can....He owns the cattle on a thousand hills!!!"

And so that was it....he said I was going....this year...!!!!!!!! That is in 5 months...!!!!


Just before we left breakfast to head to church I got a text message from Amy saying they were in Houston. I immediately tex her back to tell her the news!!! She has been in Jamaica all week and I have no idea if she got the text or not and it is killing me to know if she got it or not!!!! Of all my friends and family....I know she will understand my heart!

As soon as I sent that text message the attacks started....the enemy was bringing thought to my mind like:
• Did I make a rash decision?
• Is this really from God?
• Maybe this is a mistake...
Those were my consuming thoughts as we drove to Church that morning...everything had happened so fast...or so it seemed to me... God had been speaking to me about this for several months I just wasn't listening..
While in Sunday school that morning I decided I better take my own advice....and "ACKNOWLEDGE HIM IN ALL MY WAYS SO HE CAN DIRECT MY PATH!!!"
Just this past Saturday the Lord allowed me the opportunity to share my first mission trip experience with a small group of women, of which one of them was going on their first trip.
While I recalled all the things God had overcome for me through that trip My Heavenly Father gently reminded me that He is in this and He CALLED me....
With that revelation I immediately began my own study there in class...I wanted to see what the Bible said about that word, "CALLED" the Lord led me to:
1 Corinthians 7:20-24
1Co 7:20 Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called.
1Co 7:21 Art thou called being a servant? care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather.
1Co 7:22 For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ's servant.
1Co 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.
1Co 7:24 Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God.

At that time I believe God was confirming that He had called me and He had called me to serve in Peru this year.
The flood gate was now open and I could hear the Voice of God so clear...as I was writing down all the Lord was saying to me and I heard Randy (he was teaching the class) say something about the need for missionaries and if people would just get off their rear and GO..... I thought "did he just say that for real?"
So OK this is really happening...I started thinking about the depth of what was about to take place in the next 5 months and during this new adventure!!! One thing God continued to bring to my heart was that great old Hymn "NO TURNING BACK". Honestly I don't even know all the words to that song but that verse was ringing out in my heart.
I can't even recall everything Randy said that morning that was overwhelming confirmation of what God was doing!

I was beginning to fear what my pastor was going to say about this because we just recently joined this new church but we live about an hour away and have been praying about how to get involved there and really until we are in the community we are at a standstill.
Brian has been going through Galatians and highlighting that we have LIBERTY in Christ. Again for the whole hour that message was being preached it was all at me...over and over and over God was confirming that it is OK and He called me to serve in this Orphanage in Peru.
I couldn't wait to go up to the alter and lay it all down... I needed to make a public surrender in front of my brothers and sisters so that I would not give into that voice of the enemy telling me to turn back.
As I pored out my heart on that alter I told my Heavenly Father that my flesh wanted no part of this mission, my heart can not take it.... I know my heart and I know it wants to give every child a home and a loving family....and my Heavenly Father spoke to me in that moment and assured me that this will be difficult indeed, BUT, I will not allow any pain to come to you that is not good for you!

Family and Friends, Brothers and Sisters in Christ I need your prayers in and through this journey. As I lay in bed on that night pondering all the Lord was telling me and looking back on the last 17 years of my life I see so many pieces of this puzzle coming together.
My flesh wants nothing more than to have a family. One scripture God gave me a few years ago as I was struggling in this area is in
Isaiah 54:1-3
Isa 54:1 Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD.
Isa 54:2 Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;
Isa 54:3 For thou shalt break forth on the right hand and on the left; and thy seed shall inherit the Gentiles, and make the desolate cities to be inhabited.
When God showed me this it was like He was saying He is going to give me so many children my house will not be able to contain it.
While I think on this in relation to this trip I wonder if this is not just the beginning of something HUGE in our lives!!!!

I chose the title for my story as I did because I believe that is what God is asking of me right now. God has to get my body, soul and spirit ready for the rest of my life and in order for that to happen I need to be EXTREME in my surrender. Denying my flesh and bringing it into subjection...Yet while maintaining balance.
Pro 11:1 A false balance is abomination to the LORD: but a just weight is his delight

Please walk this adventure with me! God wants nothing more than to be Glorified. I need accountability. He chose you to come with me too...
I will keep my blog page updated with all that God is doing as often as I can.
www.carolynjohnston.blogspot.com
Prayer Requests:
• Daily- Proper Perspective
• Daily- Proper Priorities
• Daily- Acknowledge Him in all my ways
• Daily- Listen for His direction
• Daily- Watch my tongue let it only be blessing and not cursing
Pro 31:26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
Pro 31:27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

• Daily- walk in the Spirit

Gal 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
• Daily wash in His Word
• Daily- The Lord give me discernment between His voice and the voice of the enemy

The Voice of Truth

This is an Excerpt from "Running on Empty" by Fil Anderson:

"I am learning to recognize that when there's not time for solitude and silence, my activity ceases to be effective. Without listening for that voice in the thin silence, my ministry activity lacks power. Without silence, my words lose meaning. When solitude and silence are absent from my life, the best of my intentions warp badly."

"Be alone, be quiet, enter into the place of prayer. Listen to your soul, listen to the conversation between you and God"

Dear Fiends,
These are all areas I know are true... In my recent walk with my Heavenly Father I know and can testify to His voice in the stillness and in the quiet....
Over the past 8 months I have physically been forced to be still..... I have learned to enjoy the quiet and still times....and through it I have heard the Voice of God... and it is so sweet...
I love you my friends and pray you will hear His Voice in the stillness also.
If any of you struggle with hearing His voice this is a great book... I am just half way through it and it is really getting into the meat of the subject.... I highly recomend it...!!!

THE RAIN HAS COME...AND IT'S A FLOOD...STAY TUNED FOR MORE DETAILS IN THE COMING MONTHS!

FREEDOM OF FORGIVENESS

This week I have had the humbling privilege of receiving forgiveness from two co-workers. The entire situation was a subtle reminder of the FREEDOM that comes with the forgiveness of my Heavenly Father.

I remember the emptiness and heaviness that was in the pit of my stomach! Knowing that I had done something wrong...and offended two people that I dearly care about. I had to swallow my pride and humble myself, admit that I had done something wrong and then ask for their FORGIVENESS!!!!
Talk about AWKWARD.... I work just a few feet away from these wonderful ladies and to be more specific, what I had done was send them an e-mail with my confess and asking for their forgiveness.
Waiting for them to respond was HARSH... I can't even describe the felling in my stomach!!! I just wanted to cry...I couldn't believe that I may have just ruined our friendship because of my ASSUMPTION and ACCUSATIONS!!!! Me and my mouth....that was my thought...my mouth...ALWAYS.. getting me into trouble....
When I reflect on my anxiety while waiting for them to respond I am reminded of the Lord and how He is just WAITING for us to RECEIVE His FORGIVENESS through Jesus Christ!!! He must be ANXIOUS for us to RESPOND to the Gospel of Christ!!!

This whole incident had taken place around 1 in the afternoon. I had been away from my desk all day until just before leaving at 4. I rushed to check my e-mails, ONE RESPONSE!!
One of the ladies had GRACIOUSLY FORGIVEN my behavior!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!
BUT.....what about...the other one...I must have really messed up!!!

My heart sank...I just knew I had RUINED everything..and more than anything I had made my Saviour look bad. Ruined my testimony as a professing follower of Jesus...

As I drove home that evening it was breaking my heart knowing that I had played the part in severing our friendship. It was completely my fault. I had to turn this over to the Lord and so I just prayed to God, I made my confession to Him for my sin full behavior, asking for His forgiveness. I begged God to make this thing right. I wanted terribly for things to be REPAIRED!!!!

The next morning as I arrive for work I am again anxious but fearful of facing these women. Anxious to see if the other had responded with FORGIVENESS, Fearful that I would be rejected. Also fearful of how my relationship may be "Different" with the one who had forgiven me already!
I was rather thankful that I arrive to work earlier then they do...that way I could be settle and working by the time I had to encounter them!

I got to work and was on my way to get my coffee warmed up when out of a side room door....WHAM... there she was!!!!!!!! The one I hadn't heard from!!!!
My head was spinning.... how do I react...???? I chose to continue on my path and allow her to speak to me if she so wished to. I didn't want to push the issue. I wasn't even sure if she had read the e-mail yet!!!!
I was hoping that the Lord was working it out and that things would not stay this way!!!
Our paths crossed as I continued down the hall and she went back toward the department....
Just as I passed she called my name!!! OH NO..... My heart sank...it was that oh crap..I'm in trouble feeling...
I slowly turned around and she was SMILING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She said I got your message and that's OK..we are all human!
OH MY GOODNESS.... I can't express how much that smile and those words SET ME FREE!!!

I can't help but think of how God's Forgivness sets us FREE from our sin and he is...as I said earlier...just waiting for us to RECEIVE it!

THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

This year Bill and I have started a new thing . We have created a Menu for the whole month and buy all our groceries at once and ration our food for the month to help us save money and also eat healthier.. It only took us one week to realize that we will have to get produce and milk at least once a week or at most every two weeks...


Today was a differen't Sunday for the Johnston's. We visited my Best Friend at her church for her Jamaica missions trip send off service rather than going to our home church. This also means we were closer to home after church on this particular day.... Our plans were to have lunch out....(because it's in the plan and budgeted in to eat out on Sundays)...and then after lunch we were to get the few groceries we needed...So the plan was to go to Costco to get our stuff in bulk...I LOVE COSTCO.... Ok so that was random...
anyway... today's lunch did not agree with Mr Bill....So we headded for home...!!! I dropped Bill off at home and off to our local grocery I went since it was closer....

I pull into the parking lot and I see an elderly woman struggling to push her cart of groceries to her car....I was watching her and at first glance it broke my heart and I felt bad for her struggling. I took a longer look...cuz I am a people watcher...and I thought to myself.."That looks like MY GRANDMA!" IT WAS MY GRANDMA!!!!
I rushed out of my van over to her and I was like,"Grandma....do you need some help?!?!?..... the stuborn thing...she was like no, no hun I'm ok...then she proceeds to visit with me right there in the parking lot!!! She wanted to know all about me and what I have been up to...Grandma's are so SWEET!!!! Just Love her...I finally asked her where he car was because I was not about to let her continue to struggle and not help her!!! ...She was parked all the way at the end of the lot..!!!! I said why aren't you using your handicap sticker?!?!?!?... She told me she parks wherever she won't have to back out...and then told me that she always has to go all the way back to the front to take the cart back...(this was all really making me so sad for her...her knees are real bad and she didn't start driving till she was in her late 50's when my Grandpa was diagnosed with Colon Cancer, plus she had lived in KC Mo until a few years ago...so she doesen't really know her way around Independence either...)
We found her car and got the groceries loaded...I asked her if she had anyone at home to help her carry them in...That was when she really made me chuckle... she says to me..."Sometimes I just leave them in the car until I need them!"
When I left the store I drove by her house and saw that my aunt's car was home..so I got out and looked to make sure she had taken in all her groceries....They were all gone! Praise the Lord my aunt was home to help her too!!!

I was SOOO glad the Lord caused all my plans to change so He could use me to be there and be a blessing to my Grandma as I helped her put her groceries in the car and took care of her cart for her on this cold winter day!!!!
Praise the Lord for He is Mercifull......and as we sang in Praise time today....He is Matchless.....
This whole thing also has caused me once again to understand how fortunate and BLESSED I am to be able to get around better than a lot of folks... and how we younger need to help our elders, and teach the young men and women of today to do the same.
I know how it is to really wish someone was there to help me at times when I have been down in my own health but I sure didn't want to ask for help!!! Darn pride!!!!

Side note:
Today in church we learned about the Hymn "It is Well With My Soul" evidently the author of this song from the 1800's had lost a small son, all his assets, and then a short while after that his other children were tragicly killed on a ship and it was at that time he wrote that Hymn!
So when I got home I shared with Bill how the Lord had allowed me to be there to help Grandma.....I asked him if that helped him be able to say "It is well with my soul"