Thursday, September 20, 2012

It Takes Two...


It takes 2 people to make a relationship.... & it takes 2 to KEEP it going... 1 person can make a difference but 1 person can not maintain the relationship ALONE... at some point the other person has to engage.
I love the movie 'FireProof' & the 4 yr anniversary of this movie is on the 26th of September! It's a good time to rent this movie & or even take the love dare to restore or revitalize our marriages! Take a dare & renew your love!

THE LOVE DARE 
40 Days Love Journey 
Day 1: Love is patient
Be completely humble and gentle; be 
patient, bearing with one another in love.
—Ephesians 4:2 NIV 
TODAY’S DARE
The first part of this dare is fairly simple. 
Although love is communicated in a 
number of ways, our words often reflect 
the condition of our heart. For the next 
day, resolve to demonstrate patience and 
to say nothing negative to your spouse at 
all. If the temptation arises, choose not to 
say anything. It’s better to hold your 
tongue than to say something you’ll 
regret 
Day 2: Love is kind
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, 
forgiving each other, just as God in 
Christ also has forgiven you. 
—Ephesians 4:32 
TODAY’S DARE
In addition to saying nothing negative to 
your spouse again today, do at least one 
unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. 
Day 3: Love is not selfish
Be devoted to one another in brotherly 
love; give preference to one another in 
honor. 
—Romans 12:10 
TODAY’S DARE
Whatever you put your time, energy, and 
money into will become more important 
to you. It’s hard to care for something 
you are not investing in. Along with 
restraining from negative comments, buy 
your spouse something that says, “I was 
thinking of you today.” 
Day 4: Love is thoughtful
How precious also are Your thoughts to 
me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I 
should count them, they would 
outnumber the sand. 
—Psalm 139:17–18 
TODAY’S DARE
Contact your spouse sometime during 
the business of the day. Have no agenda 
other than asking how he or she is doing 
and if there is anything you could do for 
them. 
Day 5: Love is not rude
He who blesses his friend with a loud 
voice early in the morning, it will be 
reckoned a curse to him. 
—Proverbs 27:14 
TODAY’S DARE
Ask your spouse to tell you three things 
that cause him or her to be 
uncomfortable or irritated with you. You 
must do so without attacking them or 
justifying your behavior. This is from 
their perspective only. 
Day 6: Love is not irritable
He who is slow to anger is better than 
the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, 
than he who captures a city. 
—Proverbs 16:32 
TODAY’S DARE
Choose today to react to tough 
circumstances in your marriage in loving 
ways instead of with irritation. Begin by 
making a list below of areas where you 
need to add margin to your schedule. 
Then list any wrong motivations that you 
need to release from your life. 
Day 7: Love believes the 
best
[Love] believes all things, hopes all 
things.
—1 Corinthians 13:7 
TODAY’S DARE
For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. 
On the first one, spend a few minutes 
writing out positive things about your 
spouse. Then do the same with negative 
things on the second sheet. Place both 
sheets in a secret place for another day. 
There is a different purpose and plan for 
each. At some point during the 
remainder of the day, pick a positive 
attribute from the first list and thank 
your spouse for having this characteristic. 
Day 8: Love is not jealous
Love is as strong as death, its jealousy 
unyielding as the grave. It burns like 
blazing fire.
—Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV 
TODAY’S DARE
Determine to become your spouse’s 
biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of 
jealousy. To help you set your heart on 
your spouse and focus on their 
achievements, take yesterday’s list of 
negative attributes and discreetly burn it. 
Then share with your spouse how glad 
you are about a success he or she 
recently enjoyed. 
Day 9: Love makes good 
impressions
Greet one another with a kiss of love. 
—1 Peter 5:14 
TODAY’S DARE 
Think of a specific way you’d like to 
greet your spouse today. Do it with a 
smile and with enthusiasm. Then 
determine to change your greeting to 
reflect your love for them. 
Day 10: Love is 
unconditional
God demonstrates His own love toward 
us, in that while we were yet sinners, 
Christ died for us.
—Romans 5:8 
TODAY’S DARE
Do something out of the ordinary today 
for your spouse—something that proves 
(to you and to them) that your love is 
based on your choice and nothing else. 
Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his 
favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. 
Demonstrate love to them for the sheer 
joy of being their partner in marriage. 
Day 11: Love cherishes
Husbands ought also to love their own 
wives as their own bodies. 
—Ephesians 5:28 
TODAY’S DARE 
What need does your spouse have that 
you could meet today? Can you run an 
errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? 
Is there housework you could help with? 
Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish 
you” and do it with a smile. 
Day 12: Love lets the other 
win
Do not merely look out for your own 
personal interests, but also for the 
interests of others.
—Philippians 2:4 
TODAY’S DARE
Demonstrate love by willingly choosing 
to give in to an area of disagreement 
between you and your spouse. Tell them 
you are putting their preference first. 
Day 13: Love fights fair
If a house is divided against itself, that 
house will not be able to stand.
—Mark 3:25 
TODAY’S DARE
Talk with your spouse about establishing 
healthy rules of engagement. If your 
mate is not ready for this, then write out 
your own personal rules to “fight” by. 
Resolve to abide by them when the next 
disagreement occurs.If a house is divided 
against itself, that house will not be able 
to stand. 
Day 14: Love takes delight
Enjoy life with the wife you love all the 
days of your fleeting life.
—Ecclesiastes 9:9 HCSB 
TODAY’S DARE
Purposefully neglect an activity you 
would normally do so you can spend 
quality time with your spouse. Do 
something he or she would love to do or 
a project they’d really like to work on. 
Just be together. 
Day 15: Love is honorable
Live with your wives in an understanding 
way . . . and show her honor as a fellow 
heir of the grace of life. 
—1 Peter 3:7 
TODAY’S DARE
Choose a way to show honor and respect 
to your spouse that is above your normal 
routine. It may be holding the door for 
her. It might be putting his clothes away 
for him. It may be the way you listen and 
speak in your communication. Show 
your mate that he or she is highly 
esteemed in your eyes. 
Day 16: Love intercedes
Beloved, I pray that in all respects you 
may prosper and be in good health, just 
as your soul prospers. 
—3 John 2 
TODAY’S DARE
Begin praying today for your spouse’s 
heart. Pray for three specific areas where 
you desire for God to work in your 
spouse’s life and in your marriage. 
Day 17: Love promotes 
intimacy
He who covers over an offense promotes 
love, but whoever repeats the matter 
separates close friends.
—Proverbs 17:9 NIV 
TODAY’S DARE
Determine to guard your mate’s secrets 
(unless they are dangerous to them or to 
you) and to pray for them. Talk with 
your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate 
love in spite of these issues. Really listen 
to them when they share personal 
thoughts and struggles with you. Make 
them feel safe. 
Day 18: Love seeks to 
understand
How blessed is the man who finds 
wisdom, and the man who gains 
understanding.
—Proverbs 3:13 
TODAY’S DARE
Prepare a special dinner at home, just for 
the two of you. The dinner can be as nice 
as you prefer. Focus this time on getting 
to know your spouse better, perhaps in 
areas you’ve rarely talked about. 
Determine to make it an enjoyable 
evening for you and your mate. 
Day 19: Love is impossible
Let us love one another, for love is from 
God; and everyone who loves is born of 
God and knows God. 
—1 John 4:7 
TODAY’S DARE
Look back over the dares from previous 
days. Were there some that seemed 
impossible to you? Have you realized 
your need for God to change your heart 
and to give you the ability to love? Ask 
Him to show you where you stand with 
Him, and ask for the strength and grace 
to settle your eternal destination. 
Day 20: Love is Jesus 
Christ
While we were still helpless, at the right 
time Christ died for the ungodly.
—Romans 5:6 
TODAY’S DARE
Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to 
trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to 
pray, “Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner. But You 
have shown Your love for me by dying 
to forgive my sins, and You have proven 
Your power to save me from death by 
Your resurrection. Lord, change my 
heart, and save me by Your grace.” 
Day 21: Love is satisfied in 
God
The Lord will continually guide you, and 
satisfy your desire.
—Isaiah 58:11 
TODAY’S DARE
Be intentional today about making a time 
to pray and read your Bible. Try reading 
a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there 
are thirty-one—a full month’s supply), 
or reading a chapter in the Gospels 
(Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). As 
you do, immerse yourself in the love and 
promises God has for you. This will add 
to your growth as you walk with Him. 
Day 22: Love is faithful
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. 
Then you will know the Lord. 
—Hosea 2:20 TODAY’S DARE
Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an 
initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. 
Choose today to be committed to love 
even if your spouse has lost most of their 
interest in receiving it. Say to them today 
in words similar to these, “I love you. 
Period. I choose to love you even if you 
don’t love me in return.” 
Day 23: Love always 
protects
[Love] always protects.
—1 Corinthians 13:7 NIV 
TODAY’S DARE
Remove anything that is hindering your 
relationship, any addiction or influence 
that’s stealing your affections and 
turning your heart away from your 
spouse. 
Day 24: Love vs. Lust
The world is passing away, and also its 
lusts; but the one who does the will of 
God lives forever. 
—1 John 2:17 
TODAY’S DARE
End it now. Identify every object of lust 
in your life and remove it. Single out 
every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing 
forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust 
cannot be allowed to live in a back 
bedroom. It must be killed and 
destroyed—today—and replaced with 
the sure promises of God and a heart 
filled with His perfect love. 
Day 25: Love forgives
What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven 
anything, I did it for your sakes in the 
presence of Christ. 
—2 Corinthians 2:10 
TODAY’S DARE
Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your 
mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as 
we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” 
each day, we must ask Him to help us 
“forgive our debtors” each day as well. 
Unforgiveness has been keeping you and 
your spouse in prison too long. Say from 
your heart, “I choose to forgive.” 
Day 26: Love is responsible
When you judge another, you condemn 
yourself, since you, the judge, do the 
same things. 
—Romans 2:1 HCSB 
TODAY’S DARE
Take time to pray through your areas of 
wrongdoing. Ask for God’s forgiveness, 
then humble yourself enough to admit 
them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and 
truthfully. Ask your spouse for 
forgiveness as well. No matter how they 
respond, make sure you cover your 
responsibility in love. Even if they 
respond with criticism, accept it by 
receiving it as counsel. 
Day 27: Love encourages
Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let 
me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You.
—Psalm 25:20 
TODAY’S DARE
Eliminate the poison of unrealistic 
expectations in your home. Think of one 
area where your spouse has told you 
you’re expecting too much, and tell them 
you’re sorry for being so hard on them 
about it. Promise them you’ll seek to 
understand, and assure them of your 
unconditional love. 
Day 28: Love makes 
sacrifices
He laid down His life for us. We should 
also lay down our lives for our brothers.
—1 John 3:16 HCSB 
TODAY’S DARE
What is one of the greatest needs in your 
spouse’s life right now? Is there a need 
you could lift from their shoulders today 
by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? 
Whether the need is big or small, 
purpose to do what you can to meet the 
need. 
Day 29: Love’s motivation
Render service with a good attitude, as 
to the Lord and not to men. 
—Ephesians 6:7 HCSB 
TODAY’S DARE
Before you see your spouse again today, 
pray for them by name and for their 
needs. Whether it comes easy for you or 
not, say “I love you,” then express love 
to them in some tangible way. Go to God 
in prayer again, thanking Him for giving 
you the privilege of loving this one 
special person—unconditionally, the 
way He loves both of you. 
Day 30: Love brings unity
Father, keep them in Your name, the 
name which You have given Me, that 
they may be one even as We are. 
—John 17:11 
TODAY’S DARE
Isolate one area of division in your 
marriage, and look on today as a fresh 
opportunity to pray about it. Ask the 
Lord to reveal anything in your own 
heart that is threatening oneness with 
your spouse. Pray that He would do the 
same for them. And if appropriate, 
discuss this matter openly, seeking God 
for unity. 
Day 31: Love and marriage
A man shall leave his father and his 
mother, and be joined to his wife; and 
they shall become one flesh.
—Genesis 2:24 
TODAY’S DARE
Is there a “leaving” issue you haven’t 
been brave enough to conquer yet? 
Confess it to your spouse today, and 
resolve to make it right. The oneness of 
your marriage is dependent upon it. 
Follow this with a commitment to your 
spouse and to God to make your 
marriage the top priority over every 
other human relationship. 
Day 32: Love meets sexual 
needs
The husband must fulfill his duty to his 
wife, and likewise also the wife to her 
husband.
—1 Corinthians 7:3 
TODAY’S DARE
If at all possible, try to initiate sex with 
your husband or wife today. Do this in a 
way that honors what your spouse has 
told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to 
make this enjoyable for both of you as 
well as a path to greater intimacy. 
Day 33: Love completes 
each other
If two lie down together they keep warm, 
but how can one be warm alone?
—Ecclesiastes 4:11 
TODAY’S DARE
Recognize that your spouse is integral to 
your future success. Let them know 
today that you desire to include them in 
your upcoming decisions, and that you 
need their perspective and counsel. If 
you have ignored their input in the past, 
admit your oversight and ask them to 
forgive you. 
Day 34: Love celebrates 
godliness
[Love] does not rejoice in 
unrighteousness, but rejoices with the 
truth.
—1 Corinthians 13:6 
TODAY’S DARE
Find a specific, recent example when 
your spouse demonstrated Christian 
character in a noticeable way. Verbally 
commend them for this at some point 
today. 
Day 35: Love is 
accountable
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with 
many advisers they succeed.
—Proverbs 15:22 NIV 
TODAY’S DARE
Find a marriage mentor—someone who 
is a strong Christian and who will be 
honest and loving with you. If you feel 
that counseling is needed, then take the 
first step to set up an appointment. 
During this process, ask God to direct 
your decisions and discernment. 
Day 36: Love is God’s 
Word
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a 
light to my path.
—Psalm 119:105 
TODAY’S DARE
Commit to reading the Bible every day. 
Find a devotional book or other resource 
that will give you some guidance. If your 
spouse is open to it, see if they will 
commit to daily Bible reading with you. 
Begin submitting each area of your life 
to its guidance and start building on the 
rock. 
Day 37: Love agrees in 
prayer
If two of you agree on earth about 
anything that they may ask, it shall be 
done for them by My Father.
—Matthew 18:19 
TODAY’S DARE
Ask your spouse if you can begin 
praying together. Talk about the best 
time to do this, whether it’s in the 
morning, your lunch hour, or before 
bedtime. Use this time to commit your 
concerns, disagreements, and needs 
before the Lord. Don’t forget to thank 
Him for His provision and blessing. 
Even if your spouse refuses to do this, 
resolve to spend this daily time in prayer 
yourself. 
Day 38: Love fulfills 
dreams
Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will 
give you the desires of your heart.
—Psalm 37:4 
TODAY’S DARE
Ask yourself what your mate would want 
if it was obtainable. Commit this to 
prayer, and start mapping out a plan for 
meeting some (if not all) of their desires, 
to whatever level you possibly can. 
Day 39: Love endures
Love never fails. 
—1 Corinthians 13:8 
TODAY’S DARE
Spend time in personal prayer, then write 
a letter of commitment and resolve to 
your spouse. Include why you are 
committing to this marriage until death, 
and that you have purposed to love them 
no matter what. Leave it in a place that 
your mate will find it. 
Day 40: Love is a covenant
Where you go, I will go, and where you 
lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be 
my people, and your God, my God. 
—Ruth 1:16 
TODAY’S DARE
Write out a renewal of your vows and 
place them in your home. Perhaps, if 
appropriate, you could make 
arrangements to formally renew your 
wedding vows before a minister and with 
family present. Make it a living 
testament to the value of marriage in 
God’s eyes and the high honor of being 
one with your mate.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Conditional vs Unconditional...

Since 2005 I've been trying to figure out our American version of "Worship"  in regards to our God and creator... You see my first mission trip was to Zambia Africa & the two things that impacted me were these:
#1 - An overwhelming gratefulness to live in America, such a blessed, rich country & FREE! A freedom that cost many lives.
#2 - A curiosity of the heart of the Zambian Christian... I found myself watching them, their expression as they sang & DANCED LIFTING THEIR HANDS to worship our God, our creator. Something we rarely see in American culture. Many scriptures & songs state to lift our hands in praise to God, but seldom do we do it... WHY not?

You see, many of these Zambian people walked for days & some weeks to get to the Bible conference at the Mission. Yes, WALKED! How many of us, including myself, would walk to church??? I'd say very few in our culture. The Zambians are SO hungry to be under the preaching of the Word of God & to be with fellow believers, to share in their grief, sorrows & blessings.
Most of us walk around, or stay inside our 4 walls hiding our grief & sorrow, hording our blessings.
We base our faith on what we have...or don't have! 
If all is well & there are no struggles or strife's in our life then we are praising the Lord...as we should... however when pain & suffering come our way generally our first reaction is to lift our hands to God but with clinched fists shaking them at God saying "WHY!" When things don't go our way we quickly turn our back on Him... forgetting all He has done for us... Most importantly He gave His Son, Jesus Christ for our sin. 
The Word says that His name ALONE is worthy to be praised... He didn't have to die for us... He CHOSE to, so that He could be with us, guide us & be our deliverer. 
Will we still praise Him...Worship Him as the Zambian people that I saw in Africa... if we only had maybe a small bag of belongings called our possessions?
Why do so many of us have a conditional relationship with God???
Why do so many parents show their children conditional love??? If they perform the way expected then they are affirmed & shown love. What happened to unconditional love?... is this why so many marriages are in trouble... our marriages are based on conditions... not a choice to love unconditionally... for better or WORSE... so many people want to bail out when hard times come...
Why do children begin to love their parents conditionally as they grow up??? As long as mom or dad are giving them everything they want then the love is pouring out...when the gifts are cut off or mom & dad make one bad decision or even mess up royally... the kids say, "I'm DONE with you" the child cuts off all communication & ends the relationship with the parent... forgetting all the blood sweat & tears mom & dad invested into their lives... Are all of our relationships hanging on by one bad decision...one wrong choice... does that mistake define who we are??? 

WHY OH WHY DO WE LOVE CONDITIONALLY??? Where are we learning this?
God does not love conditionally! HE IS ALWAYS ready to receive us... no matter what kind of mess we have made of our lives.
He doesn't always clean up our mess, most times we get to do that... but OH HOW HE LOVES US!
Can we love each other the way God loves us??? With OUT conditions Let us give it a try!

God's love is: read them slow, think about the depth of the words-

  • Everlasting Mercy Psa_90:2, Isa_54:8, Exo_34:6
  • Does not faint & is not weary Isa_40:28
  • merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, Exo_34:6
  • Patient, longsuffering & Joyful Col_1:11 
  • Keeps His Word & promises 2Pe_3:9
These are just a few... so let us start here! 
                                 Love your spouse this way,
                                   love our children this way,
                                   honor our parents this way, 
                                      Worship our God this way!
The song 'Even If'' by Kutless is a great addition to this post!
http://www.facebook.com/kutless?sk=app_376874179052648


Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Dust Is Settling

So my last post was rather raw & drab... it's been quite the roller coaster as we continue adjusting... I can see that the whole transition is taking much much longer than we had anticipated as we are quickly approaching the 1 yr anniversary of the move in date! 
As that time is coming about and the season begins to change to fall I find myself recalling the struggles and prayers I made to God in directing us to our little blessings... I recall the limitless faith I claimed in that the Lord could and would move mountains to bring us together if that was His will and purpose for all of our lives, and indeed He moved many mountains. 
I am ready to claim that faith again to direct us just how to parent, guide & train the children we have been given... my life looks so very different than 10 short months ago & I seriously need God's help, grace, mercy & direction!

As I recount these past 10 months & look at our girls, they have already grown so much & I already have regrets and miss them being younger... couldn't we just stop time and stay right here... well at least prior to the potty training... : ) that's a story in itself!!!
First Time on the Potty!

 Jordin is now off to Kindergarten & that has a whole new and different' set of issues...
Color week at school  ~Red Day~
saying that I come to the realization that the only things that will always stay the same will be that we ARE together FOREVER... everything else is subject to change on a daily basis and if I make plans, I should not be disappointed when they fall apart or don't come together just as I had imagined... this is life and we're settling in and getting used to the ever changing world of being Mommy & Daddy!
I realize we're trying to fit 20 yrs of barrenness into the whole first year of our lives together and even though the fear that something could happen to either or both of them at any time we don't have to do 20 yrs of events in 12 months... we have a lifetime to create, enjoy & make so many memories! 
Here are just a few we made on vacation!
Girls play on the beech on our First Vacation!
Jayda discovered her love & passion for the kitty cat
Met Uncle Tony for the 1st time on our Vacation- He made them special pancakes! (he cried when he met them : ) )

  

Jordin caught her first fish! So happy!
Having so much fun in the lake! She's a natural swimmer!
Father Daughter night fishing on Papa's boat- Jordin caught the biggest fish... uncle Michael here helping her! BIG Smile to go with her big fish!
  
First Family Vacation!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Post Adoption Depression



6-24-12
Today’s revelation… IM NOT THE ONLY GIRL ANYMORE… I really think this has been the root of much of my lowest moments during this new life transition… this morning as I was sitting on my bed after a nice morning shower, which is a rare thing since becoming mommy… I was rubbing on lotion, something I used to do every evening after my bath… and it struck me… wow… I don’t ever do this for myself anymore… my nails look a mess because I did paint them two weeks ago but have neglected them since… well they look pretty trashy… and so it was as if a light bulb went on… I have become JEALOUS… I’m not the only girl…
Now I get up and get 3 girls ready so by the time I get to girl # 3… Me… I have Jordin needing the agenda for the entire day and the baby saying up… momma up… pease momma up… I look pretty ragged most days… I try to get up first and fix me up before I do them but most days Jordin is waking me up asking to get in bed with me, yelling from her room THE SUN IS UP… or going potty… The NEW rule is she isn’t supposed to wake anyone else up if she is awake first… she can go potty, wash her hands and back to bed until an adult gets her out of bed… ummm  yeah were still perfecting this one!
On the days I do get up and dressed first I feel like I am a better mommy to the girls and now that I know why I have had some of the feelings I have had maybe I can do a better job taking care of me so I can take care of my girls.
I have felt like I have had post partum depression… or what I call post Adoption depression!
Since becoming mommy it’s been a whirlwind… starting out with Bill in Brazil when the girls moved in… I was SO scared, never having been a mom before and not wanting to make one mistake especially being single mommy.
We started out pretty good with the help of a few girlfriends stopping in on the first night. Then they went home and it was just the 3 of us… Jordin did great she went right to sleep but Jayda… cried and cried I think she finally went to sleep about 2am and stayed sleeping. Thus began my sleepless nights…since that first night Jayda has maybe slept through the night a hand full of times. Bill and I have spent countless nights some till 4 am helping her get to sleep… finally learned she was teething and it’s OK to give her medicine for that pain and something to chew on for those teeth!
By the time Bill got home from Brazil I had become bitter towards God for allowing this to happen while Bill was gone.  I continually have fears of Bill dieing and me being left alone to raise these girls by myself.  I told God that this is not right… I didn’t want to be a single parent, it’s SO hard doing it alone… it’s not God’s design… so why did it work out that way??? Definitely the hardest thing I have done… things moved so fast and just meeting the girls basic needs of food, shelter & keeping up with good hygiene, setting and keeping boundaries, finding fun moments but quickly the joy was no longer in my heart. I was exhausted physically & emotionally, spiritually was nonexistent.
Quickly I drifted away from spending any time reading scripture or even praying… Starting out I faithfully prayed for our girls and God’s plan for their life THEN… life got crazy… every time I tried to get back to a routine for the things I was used to having in my world that make me who I am and what fills me up… the needs of the girls flooded out my time for those things, so I just gave up trying anymore. Being the single parent completely overwhelmed me and was more than I could handle… The only time I asked for help was if someone called me to check up on us because I really had not time or thought to picking up the phone unless it rang! One particular day I left the girls back with the foster mom for a few hours because I was at my limit…& needed to get to an appointment. I remember breaking down in tears that day as I picked up the remaining belongings of the girls… I cried on her shoulder as I confessed I couldn’t even enjoy being a mommy and I just needed Bill to be home… I haven’t been the same since that day…
When Bill did come home I was so happy to have us all together, FINALLY! But that quickly didn’t meet my expectation either… he was so tired from his traveling and so he was here but I felt as if I was still alone… a few days passed and off Daddy went back to work. Every day was like training him on what rules and guidelines that I had established with the girls before he came back from his trip. It took me a while to figure out why I was so frustrated and grouchy but that was it… Totally no fault of his but on top of all the changes that had taken place in our lives, that was just more pressure on me because I wanted us to be consistent in our parenting… everything we learned and advice we were given was that consistency was the most important thing we could do to help the girls learn and adjust to the change. I have this huge fear of doing the wrong thing because of what it might do and affect them as adults if we don’t get it right when they’re little…
I knew that becoming parents at this stage in our lives would be difficult but we knew it was right… it’s what we were supposed to be doing… it was God’s plan and calling for our lives and the lives of these precious girls; we were chosen to be together! There have been moments when I have thought REALLY LORD, REALLY??? I was so content the way we were, I was a better Christian… my walk with You was so much better before I became Mommy… I was helping others…teaching youth camps and other ladies the Bible…& now I am so needy and the only thing I can do is help these girls, I have nothing left to give anyone else and sometimes nothing left for even Bill, so how am I supposed to be an example to them of what a Christian woman looks like if all I can do is be Mommy and wife these days… and you know what… God told me… he said that’s OK because this THIS MOMMY, WIFE THING is what I am asking you to do in this season of your life, and I know the change is difficult BUT I am with you… all you have to do is take ONE step toward me ASK me in… ASK me to help…oh and stop putting so may expectations on yourself… step back, relax and enjoy your NEW NORMAL, stop trying so hard to figure out the next 20 years and just take one day at a time.
I have ran back to my confirmation verse of scripture many times and asked the Lord when will the Joyful part come??? Because it states that he will make the barren the JOYFUL mother of children…

 It’s been 8 months & 11 days now that we have had the girls & I think the joy is coming…  it is really cool to work with the girls then watch them use the things we’re teaching them! Cute little songs or how to dress themselves, I know… sounds so small but it’s really awesome to know that we taught them that special thing… we are helping them become independent and confident in who they are as individuals as we work with them on a daily basis. Jordin will sing with me…. You get a line, I’ll get pole honey… You get a line I’ll get a pole babe… or both girls will clap and sing with me Patti Cake Patti Cake Bakers man… & that… brings me joy and a smile to my heart… or Jayda will say some silly phrase that Bill and I say all the time but don’t even realize it until she starts it… like the other night she says (after we told her night night) “night night… NO WAY…” and keeps repeating it!!! So cute, it was really hard not to laugh at her… Jordin will now go around at church greeting people & shaking hands which she would NOT do until recently or we will be out in public and she holds a door for others, those are just a few things on the top of my head right now.
I had to realize that taking time to pamper myself and keep myself up for me and for my husband also make me a better mommy so I just have to find ways to get that me time and time with my Lord, also confessing my struggles with close friends and allowing them to pray for me has been SO very therapeutic… reminds me of the scripture in James that actually instructs us to do that and says it will bring healing! Must be true.
As I have been reading through a few books that has also helped me to get my mind and heart back on the Lord and that is what helps me… It has been my Lord, my creator who has brought me to this place and I know that… I think the depression is behind me now, at least for the most part. I do miss my job and interacting with adults on a regular basis, I miss my HBF church friends and all my other friends I used to see regularly… yea I have FaceBook, texting and calling but there’s nothing like sitting down with a sister face to face and having real conversations about life… I know that’s something I have to have… God created me to be relational and I can only talk about Dora, Diego, Elmo & the princesses so much… : ) and just like I need my peers, so do the girls… we are finding our balance slowly… but we are finding it!
This experience has given me a whole new compassion for single parents… because it is SO nice to have that other parent to re-enforce what you are teaching them all day long or to step in at 2am when you are at the end of your patience and don’t know what else to do…someone who comes home even after working hard all day that steps in to play with the children who are pulling on your leg while you try and prepare dinner, then after dinner they help you clean up and get the kids ready for bed or help with a bath night, read the bed time story… all to give you a break or moment to breathe… so I am VERY thankful for my husband who does all of that and more for US… we’re gonna be ok!
We found our Independence church home at Calvary Baptist Church so that also helps emotionally having a church home… feels good! FULL Joy is on its way… hope I can say bye bye to my Post Adoption Depression for good…
 


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Real Mommy Moments

REALITY...Easter our house 2012 four generations of which includes OUR CHILDREN!...Grandma, Dad, Carolyn, Jordin 4yrs, Jayda 1yrs


I've always been one to, as they say, tell it like it is... however have added a filter to my thoughts over my 38 years with the help of many honest friends and the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.

SO... here it is... 6 and a half months of motherhood and have finally got the courage to vocalize the fact that not everyday do I want to be mommy. I know that sounds horrible... does it mean I love my children any less??? Absolutely NOT, I have a love for them beyond what I knew my heart could ever love.

Over these past 6 months I have noticed some things that have led me to beleive God may be leading us to do homeschool however not in this season. It was a hard reality for me to admit to myself and those around me that now is not the time for me to take on another huge task such as homeschooling. I am not ready physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I am just now getting used to the mommy role and would require more time to prepare research and plan for something so important.
On Jordin's last parent teacher conference this past week it was confirmed in my heart that the school classroom consistancy and structure is what is best for her right now. The school enviroment has more to offer her than I can at this time and so what is best for her right now is to go to public school. I was at much peace with my decision on that Friday morning.
God's grace is so amazing... today I walked into the school to pick up the enrollment packet for Kindergarten and there stood Carolyn Johnston! Not myself of corse... but Carolyn Johnston a new freind and neighbor. If you don't know the story about how we met I will break it down for you.
As Bill and I have been praying for God to lead and direct us to a new church home or place to rest while we find our new church home He led us to Calvary Baptist of Independence where the first person we met was... yep you guessed it... Carolyn Johnston!!! Its really funny because at our former church home there was also another Carolyn Johnston... God is really showing us his humorous side!!!
Saying all of that to say that I have no doubt that for this season of life I am at peace sending Jordin to school, perhaps later down the road homeschool will be in our lives but for now the call is public school... I plan to pop in any time I want and be one of those room mom's.... you know the ones who are there for all the special events bringing cup cakes and snacks!!! Oh yes... that will be me!

Spring and summertime weather has brought about many old memories and dreams I had burried in preparing my heart and life to remain barren.
When I thought or dreampt of being a mom it was always a summer time fantasy of watching from a kitchen window while our children play in the yard and images of working in the yard with them and lots of outdoor activities as that is what my childhood was full of. I imagined myself waiting on the front porch and preparing meals for my family as my children would be coming home from school. Those were some of my best memories as a small child and now... those imaginations and dreams are REAL... and we are living them every day... and sometimes I just think WOW... this is our new REALITY!