It's been a roller coaster the past two - three years. Shortly after becoming parents in 2011 it's been one health battle after another in our family of four. This has kept us working hard taking care of one another and pretty exhausted most days!
Our big scare this year was in January. Bill went to the ER for Kidney pain and came home with the news that he had spots on his lungs! WOW... did that ever send us into a whirlwind... if you've been through a cancer scare you know all the fears and what if's that go through your mind. It was a long 4 month process to wait and see if the spots had grown. Praise God they did not and all the other tests were all negative in light of cancer signs!
However during the waiting period I couldn't stop thinking about our girls... how could it be part of God's plan to orphan them yet again after sending us to rescue them... I was beside myself with these thoughts and how I just knew God had been preparing me for single parenting through all our experiences as parents the past three years. Finally I had to decide if I was going to trust God or not!
The last 22 years of my life has been a journey of trusting God and watching Him deliver on His promises and on His Word. After weeks of mind games I finally made a choice to put my fears aside and trust in God. I had to believe that taking Bill was not His plan for us and I should keep focusing on treatment plans while seeking God for direction to the best doctors and specialist.
I said all that to say this... I am at a cross road yet again to TRUST OR NOT TO TRUST God.
This time came a bit harder to jump out of the boat and walk on the water. I do have two kids to consider. The two girls God has blessed us with makes this step of faith the hardest ever.
I have chosen to follow a call from God to return to Peru this October. This is the same place God called me to go in 2010 where I also received the call to adoption and that is what set us on the path to connecting us with our precious girls!
Earlier this year a dear young pastor whom I was blessed to be acquainted with passed away.. His memorial service was so incredible. Just the person he was and the way he loved his God, family and his ministry was very touching.
The last time I ever spoke to him I had the opportunity to introduce him to our children we adopted as a result of his churches ongoing relationship and mission project in Peru. He was happy to meet them and said "So when are you going back?' Little did I know that those would be the last words I ever heard from him.
You know how some things just keep floating around in your head... well those words have haunted me for the better part of this year.
When God speaks His first and last mention are significant, I suppose the same can be said of those we love, we tend to remember things like that...
It so happens that I have heard this particular song, "Give Me Your Eyes", 33 times just between the end of June and the end of August. How do I know you say??? Because I have been hearing this song repeatedly since about January. I noticed I was hearing it frequently and I just assumed the artist was coming to town at first buuuuuuut, I keep hearing it, and it's not a new song so they aren't playing it because he's on tour! I decided to start keeping track of how many times a day I actually hear this song.
The song is significant because While on the Peru trip in 2010 I struggled with understanding why God had called me to go and so when I heard these lyrics "show me what I've been missing" In that moment those words broke me and drew me to a point where I asked God to "show me what I've been missing" Incidentally my prayer immediately led my eyes, ears and heart to see, hear and feel that call to Adoption.
I have not been the wife mother or friend I had always envisioned I would be after the Adoption. Somewhere I lost myself. I have battled with depression which I have learned stems from my unmet expectation of what parenting looks like. I am much better than I have been but I still slip back into a lot of wrong thinking and actions more often than I would like and more often than I feel is normal.
I need to go on this trip coming up in October to be recharged and regain my eternal perspective on this life. I need to serve on a different level than I have been for the past 3 years.
I have to go for me and for my God who I have grown distant.
I know that I need to reconnect on a deeper level with the Lord and once I have that again I know I will return to the woman, wife, mother and friend I want to be.
Most of the time I would say I am not happy with who I have become or the way I talk and act most of the time especially toward my children and husband. Those are the ones I don't want to treat this way most. It's NOT NOT NOT who I am...
I have to again choose to trust God on this... I don't want to be away from my family and I have some physical limitations right now that bring me fear that I won't be able to keep up on the team. I want to claim this Bible verse God brought me too today
Exodus15:26 And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee.
Mostly it is the first and last portions of this verse that ring out to me, Diligently LISTEN to God's voice, Do what is right, KEEP His ways... and the end says that the LORD HEALS!
I am choosing to trust in this... why else would God have directed me to it just after I told one of the leaders I may have to donate my plane ticket to someone else if I can't get this health issue resolved.
I am trying hard to hear God's voice but it's hard to be still sometimes with two little ones. I am happy for the fall schedule coming up that will allow me more opportunities for some time to be still and listen!
I choose to trust what I have heard and I choose to trust God will direct me to healing!
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